Monsters live inside us

Have you ever wondered if your existence in life is like a non-sharpened pencil?
Pointless.

I'm thinking I should write something..
but then again, what's the point?

Oh where have that passion gone..?

I feel like something is holding me back but I don't know what it is.
I'm suffocating, I'm gasping for breath.
Here I scream but there's no one listening, do I still make a sound?

What's the point of voicing out when no one wants to hear you?
What about having an opinion when all they want to hear are their opinions in your voice, does it even matter?

What's the point of having feelings when all you can feel is pain?
What's the point of being brave when all they can see is your fear?

What's the point of even trying to care for yourself when people are constantly breaking you?
What's the point of trying to prove them that you're strong when all they can see is how weak you are?

..because no person knows you more than you know yourself. You know what you deserve and how you should be treated. Humans are complex being where everyone is different from one another. We can't just stereotype a person  based on our own prejudices when we see their actions and what they do and label them as good or bad or what they do is right or wrong.

You can't control a person's thoughts. You can't force a feeling when it's not there..

They say there's always two sides of the story. I believe there are more. What matters most is not knowing all sides of the story, but to understand why a person does what he does.

There are always.. reasons.

But we often look at reasons as excuses. So we often brush off those reasons because they are merely excuses.

People often see me as someone who doesn't have a stand, an opinion, or a strong grip on what I believe in. I've heard it all before.

"Awak ni tak ada pendirian ke?"

I do have a stand.

But I have become so tired to voice out, because I know it won't matter. The things I say won't make a difference.

It's not that I don't say it out because I do. I'm not asking for what I said to be agreed upon, but to be accepted. There's a difference.

Just because I do something, doesn't mean I like it. There is a misconception whereby people may think that when a person does something, it's because they like it. We often forget about the reasons.

Like why I overpower the pain I have inside me by thinking about it over and over again.. I have reasons. It makes me feel.. alive in a sense.

It may be that a person does a thing because he needs to do it and not because they like it. It's like an addiction. Whenever you try to stop, you'll fall back and relapse.

It's hard to get better..

Especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly bring you down with or without them realizing that they are bringing you down.

When you finally came across a person who treats you like you should be treated.. you'll get scared. Because they're like a mirage.. They belong in a sweet fantasy that you believe you never deserve to be in. You're afraid they'll disappear.

When you've been living in a state of comfortable sadness, you know that being happy will hurt you eventually.

I'm afraid.

It's hard to write.

It gets unbearably painful along the way. I will always end up crying halfway because my thoughts will start falling into the abyss. These thoughts embody everything I hate.

I shall end it here. Because it's getting very hard for me.