The existential crisis

Salam 'alaik.

It's been a while.. :)

I haven't been writing a lot lately.. 

Alhamdulillah, I have been busy with school and fyp these past few weeks but all is well, we're now having our three weeks holidays. Since I haven't been writing lately, a friend gave me a topic to write about. But because of the complexity of the topic given, I'm having a hard time writing about it. I have written a few paragraphs about it but I'm not sure if I should post it up since I don't feel like it's sincere enough because I don't really know much about it honestly. But I will post it up eventually, insyaallah when it's done. 

Nothing's really changed since I've been away, I'm still the same boring Erlina whose mind seems to always wonder around the core concept of what it means to be alive yet dead at the same time. Thinking about what would have happened if I've gone there instead of here and if f I had chosen left instead of right. All the 'what ifs', 'should haves' and 'why did Is'. Like what if I had chosen path B instead of A, or had said no instead of yes? Probably the story would be very different now. It's like a game which uses a branching system in the storyline. There may be different endings to the story, but in the end, the story eventually ends. It stops.

That's the concept of life. In the end we're all going to die. 

But just because we're dead, does that mean we don't exist anymore? We can't say that just because some people are not here anymore or gone away, they don't exist anymore. Because a part of them will always stay somewhere inside of us. Whether it's big or small or slowly fading away. It may fade, but it can never really disappear. It's like a substance that keeps dividing and it becomes smaller and smaller and smaller until it becomes a million of tiny uncountable units. We may think that it's gone, but it's still inside there somewhere floating among the uncertainties. 

Like that 0.1% that doesn't seem to disappear in a 99.9% effective cleaning product.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere - out of place. I feel like my existence is a burden so that's why I keep to myself most of the time. I'm not sure if I'm getting bad again because I keep having these kind of reoccurring thoughts and nightmares lately.

I don't really know what's the point of this post actually. and I'm not even sure why I'm trying to keep this blog alive. It seems like I'm losing interest in things. At times I try to be positive, but most of the time I don't think I can do that. Like tonight. 

I try not to write when I'm not in a good mood, but the funny thing is, I was in a good mood when I started writing this. But then everything goes downhill from there. It's always like that. That's why I've been keeping a lot of drafts and not posting anything. I just can't continue on. It gets more and more emotionally unbearable. It seems to hurt a lot.

Because as I write, I try to make sense of the mess inside my head by putting words together into sentences and piece the sentences together to make paragraphs that actually make sense so I can deliver a point across. But it gets really hard because the mess and the noise in my head gets louder and louder and more vivid and torturous. That's why I haven't done a lot of writing lately and that's really sad because I love to write. But why do the things I love always seem to hurt so bad. 

It shouldn't... 

I should stop. I'm just gonna end it here I guess. 'Till next time. Take care yourself. You are a good person, and you must remember to smile :)

Because I'm doing my best too. We'll be alright :)

Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton) - Acoustic Cover by Adrian Winkler

I'm trying to play this song on my ukulele. It's one of my favourite songs. So far so good I guess? Although progress is slow, I guess good things take time..

I miss fat cat who I used to call mine. I bet he's a pious fat cat now.